Indignity and Uncertainty
I sit amongst my memories
lost within the echoes
of my grief filled mist
replaying our final days
like a song without its melody,
out of tune and erratic
I wallow in time spent
living in disbelief
recalling how I watched
the blankness take hold
and sweep over your
dwindling personality
I shed a tear every now
and then when the
loss rears its ugly head
like a knife to the heart
which pierces and pierces
without ever dying away
I ache within my own
solitude, those shadows
of alone that weigh heavy
sometimes carrying me
to dark places where
my mind does dwell
I remain in a constant
fluctuation of emotion
amongst frayed tomorrows
stunted by the whispers
of yesterday’s ghosts
ever present in my head
I live on the far side
of goodbye trapped by
the darkness that
consumed us both,
once as we battled
and once when we lost
I am a victim of dementia
that has been left behind
to deal with its aftermath,
for as a carer, I was the
witness in both life and
death to what can occur
I have a guilt deep down
which drives me each day
to be better than I was
and as I age tell myself
to remember by putting
it all down in poetic verse
I know I need to move on,
but what was seen can
never be truly forgotten
and as your blood runs
within my veins it creates
the possibility that your
end will someday be
my end, so this is my
anxiety that hangs over
my sanity daily along with
the knowledge that I couldn’t
make it better for you
I am my own man again
although I carry those years
you suffered with indignity
and uncertainty for the
rest of my life, till my dying
day or dementia takes me too
